I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
