Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wear drunk well.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
