Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
