He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
