I met the friendliest cop last night
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
