Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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