Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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