Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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