I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
