It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
