I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
