After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
