I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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