Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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