Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
