I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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