I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
