It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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