Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
