I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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