She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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