I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
