I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
