Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you inspire me to be a worse person
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
