Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
