Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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