Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
