I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
