Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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