I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
