Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she smelled like a LAN party
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Is that strawberry winking at me??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
