i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
