Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
