it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
