I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
