I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
