So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
