I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
