I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
