Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
