like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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