I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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