New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
