miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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