Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
