I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
