I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
