He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
