he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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