I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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