dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
