Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
