when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
one might say we're banned from that church
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
