Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Randomize
